I wish it never was
by Venka le fay
Summary: Set during a behind the scenes moment during SAINW. The contents of this story could apply to either 2003 universe or the 2012 universe. Donnie expressing all the guilt and pain he feels he must have caused his family over the 30 years he had been missing, and Leonardo reveals what really caused Donnies disappearance.


The following is a fan based story. TMNT belongs to 4 kids, cartoon network and Nickelodeon. Please support the official releases, particularly the 2003 and 2012 versions.

A/N: I got this idea thinking about what Donatello must have been emotionally going through in that SAINW story line. This story can be applied to either the 2003 series or the 2012 series. I don't entirely see 2003 Donatello reacting like this…at least not publicly, but maybe 2012 Donatello might. I also think there was more to the story of Donatello's disappearance in SAINW then people cared really let on.

**I wish it never was.**

It was just like old times, the four of us enjoying each other's company with the teasing insults and taunts. Just like we had when we had been teens, however this wasn't old times. My brothers, Leo, Raph, and Mikey…dear childishly annoying, brainless, sweet, innocent, wonderful Mikey. They had aged 30 years without me, and who the shell knew what sort of hell they all had been through over those years. A hell I was responsible for. Even if I all I had done was to disappear into the night 30 years ago, I may as well have put every scar on their bodies myself.

It broke my heart to see them as they were, Leo's sight, Raphs eye, Mikey's arm. The three of them were maimed in a manner that no science or medicine in the world could reverse. I suddenly longed for the days when we had been young and innocent. I didn't delusion myself with "what ifs", "what ifs" got people nowhere. I could "what if" back to the very moment I hatched, but that would be senseless. As much as Michelangelo bugged the shell out of me…As much as Raphael teased me for being the brains of the family… As much as Leonardo would lecture me about how I should be focusing on my Ninja Training instead of my laboratory. I wouldn't have traded a moment for anything. Part of me wished it was possible to reverse time and start over.

I quietly moved away from my brothers, using the excuse of making sure everything was ready one last time. Once I felt I was far enough away from them, I allowed my eyes to finally relieve themselves with all pain and sorrow I felt. All the pain and sorrow I had felt from the moment I had seen Mikey, since the moment I had learn Master Splinter had died. How could I even stand to be in the same room with them after everything I have done, to them, to Master Splinter, to my family? In an hour's time we would be facing the Shredder in a battle to the end. I had run the scenario time and time again over in my head, hoping I wasn't missing a critical flaw. Leo and Raph had filled me in on the dangers involved and as much as hoped we could all make it out alive, I couldn't guarantee that. I could be sending my brothers and myself into a death trap, signing my own brother's death warrants in blood.

I looked up as I felt a hand on my shoulder. April was crouched in front of me, tears in her eyes. The years of war against the Shredder had taken their toll on her as well. If I could, I would erase every line on her face to return her to be beautiful, kind hearted women I had once known.

"They don't blame you, Don." She stated trying to comfort me.

"They should…I'm the reason everything is the way it is." I said making no move to hide my tears. I owed her this, she deserved all the sorrow and grief I felt for everything. She responded by wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into a comforting embrace, letting me sob onto her shoulder.

"You don't know that…" April said trying to sooth me, "This situation may be the same as it is, even if you hadn't disappeared all those years ago. What matters is that you are here now, and we have an effort to end this horror once and for all."

"But I left them." I said as more of a croaking whisper. "I left them behind when they needed me the most. I wish I knew what happened, so that could be prevented if I am able to return to the past."

"Donnie, listen to me." April answered as she took my tear stained face into her strong, firm hands. "I can't tell you about how or why you disappeared, but the Donatello I knew 30 years ago would never abandon his brothers for any reason. Everything that's happened to Splinter, to your brothers…it was all Shredders doing, not yours."

"But…" I started to say.

"Don't think it!" April firmly said as she pulled me close again. I could hear approaching footsteps. Three sets of footsteps in fact. I didn't need to look up to know who it was. Mikey knelt down beside me and placed his remaining hand on my shell.

"I really miss you, bro." He said as if trying to fight back tears. I noted that how he phrased the statement, he didn't miss me…the child version of his older brother. He missed the version of me who should be standing with and fighting the battle alongside them. The version of me who belonged in this nightmare world, it made me wonder how I would have turned out if I was still with them.

Raph was looking away and biting his bottom lip. However, the way he held his arms around himself and shaking. It looked like he was trying hard not to burst into tears himself. Leo on the other hand, his blind eyes seemed to look at me almost shamefaced as if he felt there was something I should know. Something the three of us should know. But didn't quite know how to bring himself to say it.

"I have a confession to make." Leo said so softly it sounded like a whisper, but it was loud enough for everyone to hear it. All eyes turned in his direction, even Raph's single eye had turned to Leo demanding answers to a 30 year old mystery that they all wanted solved.

For a while Leonardo stood in silence as if composing himself, but then his whole body trembled as tears spilled from his sightless eyes, a seemingly endless, stream of tears. He suddenly fell to his knees before me and bowed…a bow of apology.

"I know what happened to, Don, 30 years ago." He said into the floor. But for the silence that filled the room, it may as well have been a shout. Raph roughly grabbed Leo by the jacket and forced him against the wall, one hand threateningly wanting to grab one of his sai and jab it forever into Leo's skull. Michelangelo was on his feet and tried restrain his more violent older brother. A difficult task, even if he had both arms.

"You knew what happened to Donnie all these years?!" Raph growled menacingly as he throttled his blind older brother. "And you never told us!"

"I wanted to…" Leo started to say. "But Master Splinter told me not to." Leo's words gave Raph an uncharacteristic pause as he continued. "He agreed you and Mikey should have known what had happened. But he thought it best that you didn't, it would have killed Mikey, and Raph you would be out for blood."

"Your damn right I would be out for blood!" Raph roared. "Nobody messes with my brothers, but me. "

"Raph, calm down. " April commanded from where she sat near me. "Give Leo a chance to explain."

Raph grudgingly let go of Leo's jacket and returned to sitting on the floor. Michelangelo also returned to a kneeling position on the floor. Unlike Raph who looked as though he was contemplating fratricide on Leo once the truth was out. Mikey locked his eyes on Leonardo's face. His eyes held no anger or hatred, they just held a pleading desire to know…to understand what had befallen his kind heard and gentle natured older brother.

"As you all know this all happened thirty years ago, back when the four of us were still teens." Leo began after he settled himself onto the floor. A few more tears tracked their way down his scarred cheeks as he spoke. "One night we were going on a normal patrol through the city when we were attacked by the Foot Clan. In an effort to deal with them we split off, Donatello and I went one way. While Raph and Mikey went another way."

*Flash Back*

_"Are you sure we should split up?" Donatello questioned as he raced behind his older brother. His bo staff at the ready for whatever may happen. _

_"They will go after the groups they think easiest to take out." Leo answered as the raced down an alley way. Pulling out his katana he raced forward slashing at a foot soldier that had made the mistake of jumping into his path before skidding into a halt in an empty lot behind a building. In the distance they could see hear the sounds of Raph and Mikey fighting their share of the foot soldiers. Leo protectively took a stance in front on Donatello, secretly hoping majority of the Foot soldiers had believed Raph and Mikey were the weaker pair of the two groups. Donnie far from weak, in fact he was a skilled fighter and could hold his own well, but he also had a gentle hearted spirit preferring situations that would use logic over violence. Where Raph was a strong fighter and Mikey had a competent albeit childishly random form of fighting._

_Suddenly the Foot was on them. The two brothers fighting shell to shell as the Foot Clan attacked, but slowly it became obvious the Foot were picking the two of them apart. Donny was being driven towards an alley way, while several Foot drove Leo to the back of the empty lot. _

_"Leo!" Donnie called out to his older brother._

_"Hang on, Donnie." Leonardo called as he tried to fight has way through the foot. He had to reach his younger brother before it was too late. He could hear Donatello holding his own battle against the foot, but the way the Foot just kept coming was nerve racking. That's when he heard it. The sickening sound of Donatello's wooden bo snapping into pieces. His brother continued to fight, but it was a losing battle. Raph was more accustomed to hand to hand combat if it came down to it then Donnie was. _

_Leonardo doubled his speed as he raced to his younger brother's aid, forcing away any Foot Soldiers who tried to prevent him. Suddenly he heard Donnie cry out in pain and then all was silent. _

_The Foot Soldiers began to fall back, as if they had managed to achieve what they had come for. Leo's heart clinched as he raced after them; he had to get to Donatello before it was too late. As he approached he didn't see Donnie anywhere, all he saw was a van driving away and the broken remains of Donatello's bo on the ground. _

_If that van was being driven by the Foot, there was only one obvious place the van would be going, it was on its way to Foot HQ. Picking up the broken pieces of Don's bo, he rejoined his remaining brothers with a heavy heart._

* * *

_"Where's Donnie?" Mikey asked when he and Raph noticed that Leonardo rejoined his family alone. _

_"He's gone, Mikey." Leonardo answered said as showed his brothers the remains of Donatello's weapon. Mikey looked at the broken staff as if Leo had just socked him in the gut. Raphiel's eyes seemed to widen in shock before he narrowed them venomously at his older brother. Leo could feel Raph's eyes on him, blaming him for Donnie's disappearance, blaming him for the fact he had failed to protect their brother._

_"Where is Donnie?!" Raph had asked his voice laced with a threatening growl._

_"He's gone." Leonardo answered again, feeling like he had needed to receive a well-deserved punch in the stomach. _

_"What do ya, mean he's gone?!" Raph demanded, "He was with you, remember."_

_"We were separated by the foot." Leo partially lied. "I didn't see what happened to him." The way the Raph looked, Leo knew that Raph had come to the same conclusion he had. The Foot had Donnie as their prisoner, and he would be at the mercy of the Shredder, soon enough._

_"Who took 'em, Leo." Raph growled. "I swear, if they so much as touch a scale on *My* little brothers shell, I will ram my sai so hard into their spine that they would need to spend the rest of their lives in intensive care."_

_Mikey didn't respond to anything that was being said. He just kept numbly staring at Donatello's shattered weapon, as if it was his brother's dead body lying before him. _

_"Come on," Leo responded ignoring Raph's question. "We need to report to Masters Splinter."_

_"No… we..don't." Raph angrily rounded on Leo. "We need to find our brother, right now!"_

_"Okay than where would you have us look?" Leo challenged._

_"Oh, I don't know." Raph sarcastically said. "I might be going on a limb here, but since it was the foot that attacked us, shouldn't it be obvious that it was the foot that took him!"_

_"And if you're wrong?" Leonardo lamely answered; he could feel his heart cracking as he felt he was failing to protect his brother once again. _

_"How could I be wrong?" Raph demanded. _

_"What if it wasn't the foot that took him?" Leonardo answered. "Going in swords blazing isn't going to do any of us any good; it's only going to get all of us killed. Now come on…we need to inform Master Splinter."_

_Grudgingly Raph followed but not before hissing "You failed us, Leo, and you've failed, Donnie too. I thought you was supposed to be our fearless leader. What leader abandons a brother, when they need them most?"_

_Leo didn't respond to Raphs jabs…he agreed with them. He had failed._

* * *

_Elsewhere a blindfolded and bound Donatello was forcibly being lead into what felt like a large room. He could smell the heady scent of incense, and knew he could only be on one place. Without ceremony, Donnie was thrown to the floor as the blind fold was removed._

_"Welcome my honored guest," He heard a familiar rumbling voice echo metallically through the room. Looking up he found himself faced with the Shredder and beside him, Karai. Karai gazed back at the turtle boy indifferently, holding no remorse or pity for whatever plains her father had in store for him. _

_"We could do this in one of two ways, you can reveal the location of your lair and I will let you have the chance to say good bye to your family." Shredder offered with all the sweetness of an oil slick, "Or I will undergo a few experiments for me, that will leave you begging for death."_

_"Don't count your breath, Shred-head!" Donnie spat. "I'd rather die than tell you where my family is hiding." The Shredder silently and ominously stood up and walked to the bound turtle. He beckoned to two foot soldiers standing in the room, to prop Donnie up on his knees. Before he back handed the teenage turtle across the face, the blades on his gantlets nearly leaving two long deep slices on Donatello's cheek. _

_"It seems you rather do things the hard way. Fine then" Shredder responded, not entirely disappointed. "Take him away. I have special experiment that I am interesting in trying on this one." Obediently two Foot Soldiers grabbed hold of him, dragging him out of the Shredders throne room. Moments later the only sounds that could be heard were the sound of Donatello's cries of pain. _

_*End Flashback*_


End file.
